“Can’t find a primary relationship”: Two readers share deep pain.
Hats off to them for making themselves so vulnerable.
I’m 58, a woman that has repeated the same destructive patterns my entire adult life. I find myself hurting for a partner who is emotionally unavailable. I can’t let him go. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
Alle shares:
I was so in that pain. The first time was during my senior year in high school. A friend mentioned that since I’d lost weight, I looked really pretty. I choked up, unable to say aloud a thought that had previous never occurred to me: why doesn’t anyone ask me out?
I stayed in that pattern for years and years.
Because you write “who is emotionally unavailable and I can’t let him go,” I’m going to ask you to explore recovery from love addiction. Which is scary, even shameful to hear.
- Love addicts have sex in hopes of feeling loved. We call it, “trading sex for love.”
- In the classic love-addicted relationship, the partner that is more at the sex addiction end of the continuum offers the love addict’s idea of love to get sex.
- Love addicts suffer from what is called “euphoric recall” — conveniently remembering the love-buzz and forgetting the pain of being in the addiction.
I cannot tell you how to get out of pain and into a healing state. I have confidence that Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous will.
A second reader asks:
I’m trying to figure out why I’m not good enough for anyone. Honestly. Every single person I’ve dated has left me for another person. Every one of them throughout my entire life. I know there are prettier women out there, but I also know I have good attributes too. I have a very good heart. I love with my whole heart and give 150% effort. I make decent money. I don’t have any bad habits or heavy baggage.
Alle shares:
Rather than giving 150% to a relationship, set a boundary at giving 100%. 150% is more than any living creature possesses, or needs to give. And try not to give 100% on the first date — not just the sleeping-with-them part. Keep your emotions in check until your feelings clarify.
Because you have asked for help, I am going to be a tad tough on you: even though you have cleared your baggage, it seems you are still reacting to it. I say this because you mentioned that you have everything to offer a partner, yet the way your relationships end continues to repeat.
It is so hard to admit we need help in healing from addiction; particularly through a program. Addiction is not a moral issue. It’s a medical condition. I cannot say enough about availing ourselves of the help we need.
Please remember I am not a medical professional in any way. I am writing based solely on my experience.
